This Whole Pagan Thing

The majority of my friends (in itself a small group) identify as pagan/Wicca/whatever your flavor.  I do too.  Have for a long while now.  Here’s the catch though: deep in my heart of hearts I am agnostic.  When I was about 11 or 12 I decided that since nobody had a solid answer and Christianity just wasn’t jelling with me there was no reason not to believe in whatever the hell I wanted.  So right then I decided that I liked the idea of reincarnation and magic.  For some years after that I actually refused to delve into the Wicca/pagan thing because I knew that was more to it than magic and I didn’t want to disrespect the discipline by only showing interest in spells and what I thought of as “the cool stuff.”  A five-year-old probably could have told you that wouldn’t last.  I did some reading.  I liked the naturalistic, holistic nature of the beliefs, and again I said “Well, I’ll believe in whatever I want thank you very much.”

I bought a lot of books.  Performed very few spells.  Never participated in a ritual.  But it pleased me to read those books and to occasionally call the corners and light a candle for happiness and prosperity.  I read and I read and I thought “so much of this  is mind over matter!  These principles are just good for me.”  I still feel that way.  It’s a delight to be around when people are following the crede properly.  Even in my transition from agnostic pagan to atheist pagan the energy of ritual and magick put me in a happy place.

Yesterday a friend asked me if I knew what my specialty was.  Our unofficial coven was gathered for the New Years party (mentioned in my first post) and my Captain (Nightly) had a little psychic “episode.” She danced her way to the veil and did a tarot reading that got a tad out of hand. I sat (honestly very inebriated) feeling the anger and tears of the recipient and basking in the radiance of the event as I am prone to.  I watched the recipient (ShortStack) light a candle and ward the apartment, explaining that that was always her specialty.  My Captain said hers was healing.  Pirate-Hippie-Gypsy didn’t comment.  Then ShortStack asked if I knew what my specialty was, as though she were shocked that she had never thought to ask.

I said nope. Not at all.  I’ve never seen shades, or faeries, or dragons, never tried to ward anything, never gotten overwhelmed by bad energies, and I don’t see ghosts.  I am a touch empathic, maybe more than a touch.  I would say I’m intuitive, but I know I am very gullible (thankfully people are not prone to deceiving me – as far as I am aware ;P). At best I am talented at manifestation, and a good guesser.  I’m lucky or blessed.

My Captain said then, matter-of-factly, “She’s a beacon.” What that means, I don’t know.  I do know that I LOVE being around this.  I get heady and happy, so joyful I could cry.

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